How Do We Resolve Our Differences?

Conflict is an inevitable part of human interaction, whether in personal relationships, workplaces, or broader social situations. Understanding how to effectively resolve conflict can lead to stronger relationships, improved communication, and a more harmonious environment.

We know conflict is inevitable. In fact close relationships should have conflict. That’s good. We won’t all agree on things and when we can have differing views on beliefs, values, ideas, decisions, or needs and know how to discuss these topics respectfully, our relationships grow stronger and deeper. It’s how we handle it that makes the difference. 

This article helps us understand conflict, having empathy for one another, listening with interest and repeating what you hear, and brainstorming ideas for a mutually-agreed upon resolution.

Understanding Conflict

While some conflicts may seem minor, unresolved disagreements can escalate, leading to misunderstandings and damaged relationships. Recognizing the root cause of conflict is the first step toward resolution.

Common Causes of Conflict

1. Miscommunication

Poor communication often leads to misunderstandings. We don't always listen intently and show interest or curiosity to the other person's ideas/thoughts. Sometimes we don’t say what we mean or the listener doesn’t hear accurately what we’ve said.

2. Differing Values

Conflicts can stem from deeply held beliefs or values that clash. Whoa, this can be huge. When we get into a position of defending our beliefs rather than discussing them we are setting the conversation up for conflict. When someone has differing perspectives, we don’t need to get defensive. We can simply listen.

3. Emotional Triggers

Personal emotions can exacerbate conflicts, making it difficult to see the bigger picture. When you get upset with emotion, your cognitive brain shuts down and you can’t think or reason. Sometimes these triggers have some connection to our past experiences and can heighten our responses to others. 

The Role of Empathy in Conflict Resolution

Empathy is a powerful tool in conflict resolution. By putting yourself in the other person’s shoes, you can better understand their feelings and perspectives. Most of us have the capability to empathize with someone. We can feel deeply for the place the other person is in, or the situation, or their viewpoint. This understanding can transform conflict from a battleground into collaboration.

Practicing Empathy

1. Be Open-Minded:

Approach the situation with a willingness to understand rather than to defend your position. When you begin to “defend” it puts the other person on alert and they become defensive. Then it’s a war of the wills. Ask yourself, “Do I want to be right or do I want a good relationship with this person?” This is tough because we tend to want to win the argument and being right may be all you know. 

2. Acknowledge Feelings 

Recognize and validate the emotions of the other party, even if you don’t agree with their viewpoint. It’s helpful to simply repeat what you hear, for example, “I hear that you're angry with me." "I hear how sad that situation made you feel." 

3. Standing Down 

This means not agreeing with the person but choosing not to argue your point. To let it go. This is not done with resentment or anger, which is critical. It’s with empathy and compassion. You can agree to disagree without harming the relationship or the other person with vindictive words or actions. 

Strategies for Conflict Resolution

1. Embrace Open Communication 

Open and honest communication is crucial for resolving conflict. Creating a safe space for dialogue allows all parties to express their perspectives without fear of judgment. Here are some tips:

• Use “I” Statements: Instead of saying “You always…” try “I feel…” Not “I feel You…” which is the start of defensive reactions. Focus on your feelings rather than pointing fingers.

• Stay Calm: Keeping your emotions in check can prevent escalation. Take deep breaths and pause if you feel overwhelmed. It’s OK to take a break and leave the conversation for a time. But the one who asks for the break should be the one to initiate coming back to the conversation. 

  
  

2. Practice Active Listening

Active listening involves fully concentrating on the speaker, understanding their message, and responding thoughtfully. This skill can help defuse tension and foster mutual respect. To practice active listening:

• Reflect Back: Paraphrase what the other person has said to ensure understanding. It feels good to know someone has really heard you. 

• Ask Open-Ended Questions: Encourage deeper discussion by asking questions that require more than a yes or no answer. Be curious about why the other person feels or thinks the way they do. 

3. Clearly Identify the Issue 

Take some time to sit and discuss what the problem actually is. Try to define it in one sentence and write it down. This is a great way to keep the discussion on topic. Most of us bring in other issues and then the initial issue never gets resolved. 

4. Take Responsibility for Your Actions or Reactions

This is difficult to acknowledge your own part in the conflict. It’s humbling, for sure. But it’s important that both individuals acknowledge what they’ve done or said to make this a conflict. Simply acknowledge the other’s admission of responsibility without blaming them again! That will only take you back to conflict. 

5. Brainstorm Ideas and Decide

Write down all the ideas, good or crazy, that come to mind in ways to resolve the issue. Don’t critique them, just write them down. For example, “We will do nothing” is an idea, so write it down. Then after brainstorming, go through each idea and discuss. Try to find a “trial” solution you can both live with. Give the solution a week or two to see if it works. If not, go back to your list of ideas and add more brainstorming ideas. 

6. Focus on the Positive

Compliment one another when they have tried something new to resolve the issue. Even little things. “Thanks for being open minded about….” “I appreciate you kept calm as we discussed.…” Positive reinforcement really works! We tend to focus on the negative things people do rather than changing our perspective and noticing the positive. It can even change your attitude!

7. Ask for Help!

If you need more help and can’t do this on your own, let us know. We are experts in helping couples resolve conflict with respect, honesty, and compassion. 

Click to Email Spirit of Hope