What are Healthy Boundaries?

(And why are they important?)

An excerpt from Peg's workbook, Reclaiming Your Lost Soul

Much has been written about boundaries. Boundaries and other books by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend provide valuable specifics.

According to Cloud and Townsend, boundaries are the property lines around you that differentiate you from others. They define where you end and others begin—emotionally, physically, sexually, and spiritually. Boundaries affect all areas of life. Many unhealthy families either lack appropriate boundaries or have rigid boundaries that constrain the family system. When you’ve lost your soul, your boundaries are very fuzzy and undefined. In unhealthy environments, boundaries are often violated.

Don’t know what boundaries are or why they’re important?

Boundaries are necessary to keep bad things out, to set limits with others, to protect your values and beliefs, to protect your body and possessions, and so on. Having clear boundaries is healthy—and an important part of reclaiming your lost soul.

When boundaries aren’t respected and are interfered with, you react with anger, resentment, hurt, and fear; as a result, you tend to give up your soul. You begin to believe that what’s important to you isn’t important, so you give up that boundary. Or maybe you were never taught that healthy boundaries are possible and necessary.

Boundaries must be healthy in these key areas:

Physical boundaries—These include your body, your belongings, and things you value. If your siblings or parents took your money, clothes, or possessions without permission, they violated your physical boundaries.

Sexual boundaries—These limitations of your sexual self include your body as well as your sexual preferences and desires. Being violated sexually can cause trauma, anxiety, and anger, which can seep into your day-to-day relationships. You may not allow some people to get physically close to you because fear gets triggered. Because you’ve been hurt, your body may react to touch in dramatic ways. You may back away from people and try to protect yourself and your boundary. Or you may have few boundaries and let others violate you sexually. Perhaps no one taught you it’s okay to say no when it comes to your body and sexuality.

Spiritual boundaries—These limits surround your faith and beliefs. Some churches and families violate spiritual boundaries by adhering to very rigid, controlling beliefs. They don’t allow you to make your own decisions. Spirituality is very personal, and we all need to determine our own beliefs. Being told what to believe violates boundaries.

Emotional boundaries—Only you can determine how you feel. When others tell you how you feel or tell you not to feel, your boundaries are violated. Perhaps you have strong emotional reactions, even overreacting to situations due to unclear emotional boundaries. It may be difficult to keep your emotions under control. You may have lacked information about emotions, been ridiculed for them, or been told not to feel. That is violating. Your feelings belong to you and are part of you.

Melody Beattie identifies dysfunctional boundaries as violating and violators of that space are called abusers or perpetrators. What feels comfortable to you is an appropriate boundary. Have someone walk toward you and get close, even face to face. Notice where your comfort level changes. That’s your boundary.

Beattie identifies four kinds of boundary impairments:

1. No boundary at all - Can't say "No" to anyone.

2. Damaged boundaries - Can say "No" to some people, but authority figures can be difficult.

3. Walls Instead of Boundaries - Not allowing others to get close physically or emotionally.

4. Maneuvering between no boundaries and walled-off boundaries

Setting boundaries takes some preliminary work. You may feel unsure of yourself, struggle with identifying your needs, and feel guilt and shame when asking to have your needs met. Continually building your self-esteem will help you feel more sure of yourself and the boundaries you wish to set.

Boundary-setting is less difficult when you’re surrounded by safe people. Setting boundaries can cause a lot of guilt to rise up, which tends to keep us from setting boundaries. But feeling guilty doesn’t mean you can’t set boundaries. With support from a network of safe, encouraging people, you can keep setting boundaries while experiencing diminished guilt. Before setting boundaries early on, ask a safe friend to help with what you want to say. Then plan to meet afterward to debrief the experience. Such support is invaluable.

Setting boundaries can be risky and scary, but it can be done. Let us help you. We can walk alongside as you identify your needs, prepare words to set the boundary, and encourage you when you feel guilty.